As I watch people push and shove and rush around not getting anywhere, the thing I always think is that if everyone were just a little more compassionate, mindful and polite to each other and actually embraced the spirit of this time of year, everyone would actually get everything done much more quickly and with less stress. It is our selfish desire to get everything done quickly that stops us from actually getting it done quickly.

Slow down, go faster.

See you in 2012.

If it is a hassle, you won’t stick to it.

So here are a few simple ways that you can slow down in a day. You don’t need to do all of them at once (if you do, there is a good chance you will be overwhelmed and that is not the result we are after here).

When you very first wake up, take a few moments to become aware of your breathing, and aware of your body, run  a check to see any areas of tension and consciously relax them.

Then spend a few moment thinking of things you are grateful for, that you already have in your life.

Then think of what you want to achieve today and how you would like the day to go and how you would like to be.

(I would like to state, for the record, that I am certainly not a morning person and although I tend to wake early, I am usually grumpy and disorientated for some time, by doing the above 3 processes I find I get out of that fug much more quickly).

When washing and showering, be mindful of the water, of the sensations, the smells, etc, of the process you are doing.

When eating breakfast (and all meals today), sit down, don’t gobble it down whilst trying to pack you bag for work/school/college/etc. Take smaller bites, chew much more than you think you should and be mindful of the tastes, textures and sensations (as well as emotions and thoughts – but don’t get hung up on them) you have.

When commuting to work, run a commentary in your head of what you can see, hear, feel, smell and taste. Be polite to fellow commuters, let a car out of a side road, offer your seat to someone, hold the door open.

Be polite and well mannered, say “please” and “thank you”, take the time to connect with people and show a genuine interest in them.

If you can, go for a stroll, not to get somewhere, just for the sake of it. Look around and run the commentary in your head. See what you notice and how it makes you feel.

Do this 10 second relaxer whenever you find your mind has wandered or that you are getting flustered or frustrated:

• Step back (either physically or mentally) from what you are doing.
• Be in your body and focus on your centre (roughly your belly button).
• Check your posture, stand or sit up straight.
• Take a deep breath in (imagine your are breathing in through your belly button).
• Breathe out and focus on relaxing on any tension in your muscles.
• Mentally state the outcome that you want.
• Repeat as necessary.
• Carry on.

As a final note, some days are just rubbish and no matter what you do things seem to go against you. If that is the case, don’t fight it, just let go, walk away (either physically or metaphorically) and start again tomorrow.

Hare-brained people hide behind terms like “assertiveness” or “honesty” or “just telling it how it is”, when they are simply being rude, judgemental and self centred. They mock people who try be nice, who think the best of people, calling them “drips” or “saps”, they think acts of compassion are acts of “weakness”.

They are wrong.

Compassion, simply, is recognising that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available to them. No matter how seemingly stupid, rude or just plain wrong those actions appear.

Compassion isn’t about going round hugging everyone, agreeing with everyone or being an utter pushover. It isn’t about naively trusting people or not thinking things through and assessing situations critically.

Nor is about accepting or condoning bad, or illegal behaviour, of course you can (and should) condemn  atrocious acts.

You can also be utterly antisocial and still be compassionate.

It is about recognising we are all interconnected and our actions have ramifications we may never be aware of. It is about seeing ourselves in other people, about understanding that we are more similar than we are different. We have all made stupid choices and rash decisions and snap judgments.

Above all it is about forgiveness.

Compassion is a key tenant of the tortoise mind. Compassion comes from and helps you be slower and more mindful, better mannered, more patient and understanding. Offer to help, say “please” and “thank you”, don’t be quick to judge or snap at someone doing something you think is wrong, take a genuine interest in someones life. These are all acts of compassion.

Anger at other people is the anger with your self projected outwards. If you were at peace with yourself, accept yourself fully and completely, warts and all you would act more compassionately naturally.

Think about how different you have acted when you have been in a good mood rather than a bad mood. What was the difference in your tolerance and understanding?

This is why practicing compassion always starts with being compassionate to yourself. If you cannot be compassionate to yourself, how can you be compassionate to people around you? See yourself as someone who truly loves and accepts you. Can’t think of anyone? Imagine someone!

Like all things, compassion is it’s own reward, by being more compassionate and tolerant you will be less stressed, angry and worked up, you will feel calmer and who know how you will affect the world around you?

Do a random act of compassion today, even it is as little as saying an earnest “thank you” to someone or giving your loose change to charity…

Matt

Be grateful – the happier you are with your life the less likely you will be to be a moaning bitch!

Practice your manners.

If you find yourself moaning and complaining – Stop! Take a deep breath and focus on something good.

If that doesn’t work, give yourself exactly 1 minute and 37 seconds to get it out of your system, on the understanding that as soon as that time is up you will go and do something more useful. Time it and stick to it!

Give everyone you meet today  a compliment.

Compliment your kids/husband/wife/better half AT LEAST 10 times each day…

Reflect on what you say before you say, don’t rush to comment.

If you are mean about someone in your head (shout at an inconsiderate driver for example), send them good wishes immediately afterwards.

Become genuinely interested in people. Everyone is unique and fascinating, learn about them and express that interest and fascination…

OK I may be exaggerating slightly for effect, but I have becoming frighteningly aware recently that I have become more critical and impatient with my speech and it is a trend I don’t like and intend to do something about.

I have spoken a lot about how “manners maketh the idler” and having good manners is an essential trait of the tortoise mind. It makes you act more mindfully and more compassionately.

However, you can be as polite as you like but if you are still moaning and whining then it makes no difference at all. You need to practice Slow Speech (which isn’t just talking slowly…).

The Buddhists call it Right Speech. It is part of the Noble  Eightfold Path and described In the Pali Cannon as “…and what is right speech? Abstaining from lying, from divisive speech, from abusive speech, and from idle chatter [gossip?]: This is called right speech…”.

As you become more mindful and aware of the interconnectivity of things you will find yourself more compassionate and that will come through it what you say. Also by practising Right Speech; being mindful of your words and how you talk and what you say, you will become more mindful and compassionate (to read more about the Buddhist, read my article in the latest New Escapologist).

Or as your grandma used to say “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say it at all”…

On Monday night, I appeared on the Richard Bacon Show on BBC Radio Five Live discussing a new piece of research that nice people, on average, earn £1500 less a year. You can read the rather dubious news story here. I haven’t been able to get hold of the original study, but the piece in the paper seems to have taken a few “creative” leaps to spin it into a news story. Nowhere, in the personality type section do they mention the word “nasty”, so I doubt the research has much validity in the nasty/nice argument.

However, as long term readers now, I am a it of stickler for manners (you can listen to my podcast – and the read the transcript – about it here) and think that manners are an essential part of the tortoise (slow) mindset and behaviour.

So I was more than happy to go on and fly the flag for manners on the radio!

You can listen to the programme here (UK readers only I am afraid, I will attempt to get a copy to release as a podcast soon). The section begins at about the 51 minute mark.

Be back tomorrow (hopefully!),

Matt Caulfield

Slow Living Consultant

You can listen to the full podcast here:

http://slowcoach.podbean.com/2009/06/29/slow-cast-episode-8-manners-maketh-the-idler-re-uploaded/

SC