Compassionate Misanthropy

Written by on August 9, 2011

I have, over the last few posts, been discussing the often overlooked key to a slow and happy life and that is compassion; caring for the well being of other people (and animals, plants, and everything really), to recognise that we are all interconnected.

In Alain De Botton’s excellent book “Status Anxiety” he discusses the stress and anxiety caused by worrying about what other people think of you. He offers several ways of undoing or alleviating this stress, one of them is to adopt a misanthropic attitude.

You recognise that other peoples opinions, viewpoints and conclusions are often based on limited or incorrect information and that those opinions mean nothing at all. You recognise people as the small minded and self centred beings that they often are and choose to ignore their ignorant opinions.

This may sound harsh but is, in fact, in a world where opinion is rampant and people cannot wait to express theirs (usually through the perceived safety of the internet), a sensible attitude to adopt. Otherwise you will quickly be driven crazy by people telling you that you are wrong or suggesting different ways of doing things.

Particularly if you are doing something that goes against the grain, the perceived norm (like slowing down for example!).

But how does this fit with the notion of compassion? Can you be compassionate and misanthropic? Of course you can! And I would even go as far as suggesting that a slight misanthropic viewpoint can help you become more compassion, patient and understanding.

Therefore I have recently adopted a position of “compassionate misanthropy”, which can be summed up as such:

“People are stupid. And I include myself in that generalisation”

By accepting this as a presupposition it does several positive things:

  1. It stops you from worrying about what other people think.
  2. It makes you less likely to judge as you recognise that you are just as stupid, ill informed and prone to leaping to incorrect conclusions as the next person.
  3. It makes you more patient and understanding (as your expectations of how people should act are lower).

How can you begin to be more compassionately misanthropic today?

Matt

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Compassionate Practice

Written by on June 9, 2011

Buddhism has a very powerful meditation called Metta Bhavana or “Development of Compassion” which is an excellent exercise in developing loving kindest or friendship.

Recent studies have suggested that regulate Metta practice can have positive effects on both your physical health and your mental well being.

How To Do It

There are six stages to the traditional Metta Bhavana, spend a few minutes on each stage, in order. To help you keep time you can use a stopwatch, countdown timer, or fancy meditation app for your smartphone.

To learn more about the basics of meditation, read my ebook here.

1 .Yourself

You cannot have compassion for everyone else without having compassion for yourself. If you are full of self loathing you cannot help but to project that outwards. To be be truly compassionate you must accept yourself fully.

2. A Good Friend

Think of a good friend, imagine those feeling of friendship you have towards them, focus on sending them your loving kindest and compassion.

3. A “Neutral” Person

Take someone who you don’t really have any feelings for, a neutral person, and project those feelings of loving kindest onto them.

4. A Difficult Person

This is where you may waiver! Think of someone you personally know who you do not like, notice where those thoughts and feelings come from and what memories come to mind. Now imagine that person as a friend, project those same feelings towards them, notice how your feelings towards this person slowly changes.

5. All Four of the Above Equally

Focus on all four people and feeling that loving kindest equally for each one, so one has no more feeling of compassion towards one than the other.

6. And Then Gradually The Entire Universe

Expand this feeling of compassion to all the people on our planet, all living things and as far out into the universe as you can imagine. See yourself as part of an intricate and complex system, not an individual but interconnected.

Remember, don’t leave this feeling on the meditation mat! That is just practice for being compassionate in the real world!

Matt

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Compassion: The Second Keystone of a Tortoise Mind

Written by on June 3, 2011

Compassion is not very fashionable nowadays. Our hare-brained society rewards and favours (and even deifies on some occasions) the rude, the aggressive and the self centred.

Hare-brained people hide behind terms like “assertiveness” or “honesty” or “just telling it how it is”, when they are simply being rude, judgemental and self centred. They mock people who try be nice, who think the best of people, calling them “drips” or “saps”, they think acts of compassion are acts of “weakness”.

They are wrong.

Compassion, simply, is recognising that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available to them. No matter how seemingly stupid, rude or just plain wrong those actions appear.

Compassion isn’t about going round hugging everyone, agreeing with everyone or being an utter pushover. It isn’t about naively trusting people or not thinking things through and assessing situations critically.

Nor is about accepting or condoning bad, or illegal behaviour, of course you can (and should) condemn  atrocious acts.

You can also be utterly antisocial and still be compassionate.

It is about recognising we are all interconnected and our actions have ramifications we may never be aware of. It is about seeing ourselves in other people, about understanding that we are more similar than we are different. We have all made stupid choices and rash decisions and snap judgments.

Above all it is about forgiveness.

Compassion is a key tenant of the tortoise mind. Compassion comes from and helps you be slower and more mindful, better mannered, more patient and understanding. Offer to help, say “please” and “thank you”, don’t be quick to judge or snap at someone doing something you think is wrong, take a genuine interest in someones life. These are all acts of compassion.

Anger at other people is the anger with your self projected outwards. If you were at peace with yourself, accept yourself fully and completely, warts and all you would act more compassionately naturally.

Think about how different you have acted when you have been in a good mood rather than a bad mood. What was the difference in your tolerance and understanding?

This is why practicing compassion always starts with being compassionate to yourself. If you cannot be compassionate to yourself, how can you be compassionate to people around you? See yourself as someone who truly loves and accepts you. Can’t think of anyone? Imagine someone!

Like all things, compassion is it’s own reward, by being more compassionate and tolerant you will be less stressed, angry and worked up, you will feel calmer and who know how you will affect the world around you?

Do a random act of compassion today, even it is as little as saying an earnest “thank you” to someone or giving your loose change to charity…

Matt

Categories: The Journey - Tags: , , ,

The Story So Far

Written by on January 12, 2011

(For an audio version of this blog click here, or here to listen via iTunes)

This blog is just over two years old, so I thought for my first post of 2011 I would write a brief(ish) “story so far”, hopefully this will act as a catch up for new readers and review for older ones. And as a way of focusing myself for 2011…

I first came across the Slow Movement in late 2007. In early 2008 I had the idea of taking the fundamental philosophy of the Slow Movement (as I understood it – the great thing I love about the Slow Movement is that not organised and controlled by a singular organisation and is propelled by individuals. Which means it is different from person to person) and combine it with the tools, techniques and strategies I had learned from 8 years experience (at the time) of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), hypnosis, coaching, meditation and other bits and bobs of psychology and productivity (through work I had done with businesses and lecturing on Aston Business School’s MBA course) to generate ways to help people Slow down, become more mindful and productive and reconnect with their lives.

At this point I had been running my own coaching and training business since 2000, it had grown from strength to strength, but I wasn’t happy, I was stressed and I didn’t know why. I had started to be turned off by the whole “self help” field and was finding it horribly insincere and impatient. I was getting more and more clients expecting and demanding instant fixes to problems , these expectations were being fed by the vacant marketing of snake oil salesmen who seemed to be filling up the field. I was trying to do too much, to please everyone, which ironically meant I wasn’t getting anything finished, or anything finished to a decent standard at least. I needed to strip back what I was doing, simplify and get back to basics (and what I loved doing).

The irony was I hadn’t always been this fast and stressed, I had be seduced by the idea that “faster is better” and impatience was a virtue without really realising it. Before getting involved in NLP, coaching and training I had been practicing Buddhist meditation, Tai Chi and Yoga (very Slow pastimes!).

It took an accident to show me the way! I ordered “In Praise of Slow” from Amazon by mistake… This introduced me to a different way of thinking and living. It came as revelation that I didn’t need to be seduced by speed, that there is another (better) way!

I started this blog as a way of recording my exploration into the Slow Movement and associated fields. It didn’t land fully formed and has been a rather organic, and at times chaotic process, following my fascination and seeing where that took me. Which means it has meandered and wandered and often lacked focus.

My Slow Philosophy

The first thing I did ((after researching The Slow Movement and related fields intensely for around 6 months) was distil my  “Slow Philosophy”. This was my starting point.

The term “slow” is shorthand for:

A Philosophy

Recognising that time is precious, but rushing to try and fit more in is not the answer. That taking the time and effort to appreciate what is now will be much more fulfilling than filling your days and doing this just to get somewhere in the future.

That leads to…

A State of Mind/Attitude

Embodied by being centred, relaxed, unhurried, unrushed, unflustered and acting spontaneously in the right way (at the right pace) in a given situation.

That becomes a…

Lifestyle

This manifests itself as different ways for different people, depending on their interests and experiences, but shared values are: Finding the right pace to do things,  appreciating the present moment, community and co-operation (rather than competition),  manners and making meaning connections with people.

It is inspired by and embodies the spirit of the tale of the Hare and the Tortoise – “Slow and steady wins the race…”

And develops…

Practical Applications

In all areas of life: business, arts, education, sports, transport, anywhere!

Slow is NOT…

“Slow is not about doing everything at a snail’s pace; it’s about working, playing and living better by doing everything at the right speed.”
-    Carl Honore

About being slothful, lazy or ignorant. In fact just the opposite, it is about being mindful, aware and intelligent in your actions.

Then I started thinking of what this actually meant:

Slow Down From the Inside Out

Very quickly I realised that, to me, the Slow Movement, and slowing down came from the inside out.

The key thing to me was to change the way we think.

Most Slow Movements seem to me to be outfacing and external in nature: slow food, slow travel, slow cities, etc and no one was considering the fact that, before we could change the way we live, we need to change the way we think.

It has always been a key philosophy of mine and something that has underpinned my work since I started out in the field was that, before we can even attempt to make changes to our own external world we need to change our internal one (our thoughts and emotions).

So many people get this the wrong way round and wonder why they cannot get the life they crave. They try and make changes to their external world hoping these actions will change their thought processes and emotions.

I started using the phrase “tortoise mind” to describe the mindset I wanted to develop, in comparison to  “hare-brained” which seems to be how most people think and act.

The Archetypal Idler (for me)

Once I had that (and that came to me quite late on this process), I started to focus on how develop it.

I used the term idler as a short hand label (probably because I was first re-introduced to this Philosophy by Tom Hodgkinson’s excellent Idler periodical) for someone who had embraced the Slow philosophy and developed their tortoise mind.

Being idle, to me, wasn’t about being lazy, stupid or slothful, it was about being efficient, unflustered and unhurried, in the way an engine is being most efficient on or just above it’s idling rev range. The term idle has become something rather pejorative and negative, yet great minds, from Diognese and the Cynics, to Seneca and the stoics, the Buddha, the Romantics, and people like Theroux, Jerome K Jerome, Bertrand Russell and Will Self (to name but a few, I could write much, much more – for a more detailed history of the Slow, why not grab my “Welcome to the Slow Life” audio book here) have spoken of the virtues of idleness.

So, after a bit of experimentation, I realised that I needed to develop something to aim for, the archetypal idler, and then work towards achieving that.

Of course, this archetype is different for everyone and people interpret the Slow Philosophy in different ways and to different degrees (that’s what I like about it, it is an art, everyone is different), so you need to develop your own vision to how you want to be.

For me it was an image of a person in an airport, you can read the details here.

The Four Keys to the Tortoise Mind

What attributes does the Idler have?

I defined what I considered the 4 keys to the tortoise mind (it was, until recently, the 3 keys, but I have changed it!), which are:

1. Mindfulness
The past has gone and the future, well, you can’t hang your hopes on it… There is only now. Pay attention! So many of us spend our time day dreaming about thee future or remembering the past, so few of us spend time in the present moment.

2. Gratitude
Gratitude is the opposite of greed. Our consumer society wants us to keep buying more and more things to collect clutter to replace what we have as soon as we are bored of it. It is designed to make us acutely aware of what we haven’t got so we will crave it. This grasping and craving means we will never really be happy, as soon as we have that one thing we thought would complete us we grow used to it and want something new. Be grateful for what you have. Make a list each.

3. Compassion
Compassion isn’t very trendy any more in this Hare Brained world and we are all out to get what we can for ourselves. Being hare brained is self centred and solipsistic. Being Tortoise Minded is about connecting with the people around us, being polite, thoughtful and well mannered. We are all together on this lunatic asylum of a planet and everyone is just trying to do the best they can with the choices and information they have at the time. Remember that.

4. Relaxation (of body and mind)
Phil Hine describes confidence as “being relaxed in the present moment”. By relaxing our body we relax our minds. We can think more clearly and positively, we can also reduce stress and toxins in our body and feel more energised and focused.

These 4 keys have no hierarchy, they are equally as important as each other. Think of them as threads that need to weave themselves through you psyche to hold it all together.

Of course we can add things to this list like simplicity or organisation, but these are secondary traits that will come naturally once you embrace the 4 keys.

What About the Future?

So, what does the future hold? Well, I will continue to refine what it is I am doing and explore and develop new ideas and strategies. I fancy spending some time looking at how we can implement these Slow strategies into the workplace and how by embracing the Slow Philosophy we can actually become more productive and successful, but with less stress and waste (as William Morris puts it “useful work rather than useless toil”). Some of the ideas I have are rather grand, others very simple and down to earth.

Work wise (I have never made any excuses about the fact I am make my living through this site!) I want to increase the number of clients that I have, and start to drip feed out quality information products to help people, including guided mediations, a (long overdue) eCourse, and a book (a proper book, not an ebook, I like proper books). I have taken my time as I wanted to be clear about what it was I am actually doing before I released anything. I am still doing coaching and training in NLP, and have some new exciting things going on over there too, but here is not the place to discuss my plans with that (although they do dovetail).

And I fancy a facelift of this site too. Not that I don’t love the job that Eric did when he set it up for me, but that was a year and half ago and a nice redecoration is probably due. But that will have to wait a little while yet.

Right then here is to a Slow and Successful 2011, I hope you stick around for the journey!

Matt

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The 3 Keys to a Slow and Happy Life

Written by on April 29, 2010

THIS IS A SLOW BLOG. It is updated when I have something to say, rather than trying to say something just to update the blog. Learn more about Slow Blogging here. Since this is a Slow Blog, may I suggest you subscribe by RSS by clicking here, or subscribe to receive email updates by clicking here (to learn more about RSS click here for an FAQ).

One of the reasons I stopped blogging so regularly was because, well, I was running out of things to say.

You see, the Slow life is the simple life is the easy life.

And, so in my quest to become slower, unflustered, uncomplicated and uncluttered, I often found that I was practicing the same things over and over again, getting a bit better each day.

This doesn’t sit too well with the blogging principle, which requires lots of content, regularly.

A lot of blogs I have seen on simple living, minimalism and related topics, are ironically complex (and repetitive) and not really simple or minimal at all! I can only assume that is to try and keep up with the current blogging paradigm of regular content, regardless of quality.

Slow being what it is, if I did a blog every day, or even every week it would soon become repetitive or I would be tempted to over complicate the issue just to give me something to write about.

This is in direct opposition of my personal philosophy of stripping everything, as much as possible, back to its bare bones, by asking the question “what absolutely has to be there?”

Why? Well I am clutter monkey, I tend towards over-complication if I am left to my own devices (I ALWAYS pack to much when I go on holiday!) and it takes a lot of disciple for me to keep things simple (it was one of the reasons I got involved in the Slow movement in the first place).

As Einstein is quoted as having said (whether he actually said it or not I don’t know): “Keep everything as simple as possible, but no simple.”

So in this spirit of simplicity, what are the 3 keys to a slow and happy life?

Well, as I said in my previous post (here), I believe that everything comes from cultivating the slow mindset or “tortoise mind”.

So these 3 keys are the keys to creating your tortoise mind. Once you cultivate them you will find yourself able to more easily embrace the slow life, the minimalist approach and simple living.

1. Mindfulness

This really is the key to slowing down. Life is only happening in the NOW, yet how often do you really pay attention to the present moment? How often are you on autopilot or thinking about what you are doing tonight or tomorrow, or lost in a memory?
How often do you get hung up on things, wave the ride of emotion; panic, fear nervousness?

Learn to embrace the now, to lose your self in the moment, to appreciate the little things:

Really focus on the food your eat and notice the explosion of flavours your often miss, the texture, the sensation, the emotions and memories it conjures up….

When in the shower, focus on the sensation of the water splashing against your skin, the smell of the shower gel…

You get the idea?

2. Gratitude

“Poverty is not the absence of goods but rather the overabundance of desire”

Plato

There is an interesting psychological phenomenon called habitation, which basically means if we see, do, or experience the same thing over and over again, we stop paying attention to it.

This process is what our modern consumer culture relies on. It makes us acutely aware of what we haven’t got and makes subtle changes to “this years model” to keep us wanting the new and exciting versions.

One of the fastest ways to overcome this process is to be consciously grateful for what we have. Every day make a list of at least 10 things you really appreciate in your life, this can be anything from the fact you have a house, to reminding yourself why you bought the car/watch/TV/whatever that your bought (it can be something really simple, basic or seemingly silly, it doesn’t matter, as long as you are grateful for it). Really feel the gratitude. You will find you will become more mindful and crave new things and experiences less and less.

3. Compassion

The final key to a slow and happy life is to be compassionate to our fellow wo/man.

This doesn’t mean being a drip or a push over, it is about recognising that everyone is doing the best with what they have got and making the best decision they can at the time according to the information and criteria they are using (no matter how stupid or annoying, or “wrong” it may seem to you) and that you have done stupid things in your past and will again in the future.

You don’t have to become an over emotional lovey, who runs round hugging everyone one, you just need to forgive people.

It really is that simple, just forgive them.

That will free yourself up of all the stress, anger and rage about things you can do nothing about. Just stop, take a deep breath, say (silently in your own head) “I forgive you” and relax. See how good that makes you feel?

Once you have got the hang of forgiving peoples wrongs (or perceived wrongs!) against you, you will find you will become more patient, mindful and often more polite (which is a very good thing).

So there we have it, the 3 simple keys to slowing down. If you just practice these 3 keys each day, you will find you will be Slower and happier in no time!

Matt

PS, I have added a merchandise and recommended reading list to the “Buy Stuff” page, go check it out.

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